my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
