The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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