you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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