I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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