You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Small penises have feelings too.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
