i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
