Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
