fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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