I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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