If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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