he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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