I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
