we have pet lesbian snakes
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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