What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
