the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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