I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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