i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
