its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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