So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
