do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
