New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
