I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
