Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i came on her dog
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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