i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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