you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
