I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
