i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
