I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
