with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
