That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
