saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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