my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize