Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
