cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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