how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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