the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
