I molested 6 butterflies tonight
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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