it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
