I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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