I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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