You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
