i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
