I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
