The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
