after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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