So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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