Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
