I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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