I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
