Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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