best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
