I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
