The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
