woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
