i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
