Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
handjob tips. give me some.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
