Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
