An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
