Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want her autograph on my taint
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
