i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sorry about my life...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize