I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
