Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize