My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
